Jokes

[Tazza]

Ok, since no one has posted anything in here i may as well kick it off with a joke. A 75 year old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow". The next day, the 75 year old man returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this....First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing". The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor". The old Man replied, "yep, but no matter what all 3 of us tried, with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the jar open!

 

[RS Coyote]

Good one. And I'm still around. Just been busy as hell.

 

[RS Coyote]

Good one. And I'm still around. Just been busy as hell.

Quote: This forum is open for general discussion. As a courtesy to the Bobcat Forum and our members, we ask that you not post religious, sexual, political or racist material..............................
Tazza lets be more carefull. Even though you have a good joke, lets not mess this Forum up and lose it.

 

[864wood]

Quote: This forum is open for general discussion. As a courtesy to the Bobcat Forum and our members, we ask that you not post religious, sexual, political or racist material..............................
Tazza lets be more carefull. Even though you have a good joke, lets not mess this Forum up and lose it.

Hey did you hear about John Kerry? I just heard he actually served in Vietnam. Oh my gosh my golly, if he were just to let us know this info, I am sure he would have won the election. Or is this a red state blue stae issue. Or maybe just maybe I have transgressed. In defense of the joke it is what I believe is called a double entandra. You have gleaned a infrence through your imagination. I heard that joke as a 12 year old on a jobsite and it didn't mean a bit to me until later in my maturation.

 

[Tigerotor77W]

Hey did you hear about John Kerry? I just heard he actually served in Vietnam. Oh my gosh my golly, if he were just to let us know this info, I am sure he would have won the election. Or is this a red state blue stae issue. Or maybe just maybe I have transgressed. In defense of the joke it is what I believe is called a double entandra. You have gleaned a infrence through your imagination. I heard that joke as a 12 year old on a jobsite and it didn't mean a bit to me until later in my maturation.

I'm stealing this off another forum (computer-related), but anyhow, it's not really sexual, political, or religious... The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather slick-looking, well-dressed, middle-aged gentleman. "May I help you?" the madam asked. "I want to see Natalie," the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else. . ." "No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charges $1,000.00 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, then calmly the man left. The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that is was very rare for anyone to come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts. It was still $1,000.00 per visit. Again the man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and an hour later, he left. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia." "Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family living there." "Yes, I know," said the man. "Your father died and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000.00 inheritance."

 

[Tigerotor77W]

I'm stealing this off another forum (computer-related), but anyhow, it's not really sexual, political, or religious... The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather slick-looking, well-dressed, middle-aged gentleman. "May I help you?" the madam asked. "I want to see Natalie," the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else. . ." "No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charges $1,000.00 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, then calmly the man left. The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that is was very rare for anyone to come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts. It was still $1,000.00 per visit. Again the man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and an hour later, he left. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia." "Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family living there." "Yes, I know," said the man. "Your father died and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000.00 inheritance."

Another joke:

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who miss.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says,
"How's the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've finally got that right".
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play golf?"
Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years".
Woods says, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?" asks Woods. "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just lay the ball towards his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole".
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night."

1 - Liberal Arts majors are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

2 - Every teenager should get a high school education, even if they already know everything.

3 - I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

5 - The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

6 - Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.

7 - You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

8 - According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

9 - Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

10 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

11 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

12 - I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.

13 - In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

14 - Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

15 - There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

16 - How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

17 - Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, I wish you'd come to me sooner.

18 - I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

19 - You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

Have a great week!

 

[Tazza]

Another joke:

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who miss.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says,
"How's the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've finally got that right".
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play golf?"
Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years".
Woods says, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?" asks Woods. "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just lay the ball towards his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole".
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night."

1 - Liberal Arts majors are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

2 - Every teenager should get a high school education, even if they already know everything.

3 - I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

5 - The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

6 - Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.

7 - You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

8 - According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

9 - Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

10 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

11 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

12 - I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.

13 - In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

14 - Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

15 - There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

16 - How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

17 - Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, I wish you'd come to me sooner.

18 - I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

19 - You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

Have a great week!

Good ones there, i'm just waiting on you getting flamed over the first one, just like i was for my *innocent* bottle opening joke
Keep the jokes com'in i say!

 

[Tigerotor77W]

Good ones there, i'm just waiting on you getting flamed over the first one, just like i was for my *innocent* bottle opening joke
Keep the jokes com'in i say!

Haha, I know what you mean... I thought about it, but posted anyway. It's pretty difficult to remain completely neutral when it comes to jokes -- even the one comparing office-life to prison can be construed as an attack on people in those groups, so that's out; the same argument can be applied to the others. But I'll exercise my best judgment, and if someone doesn't like it, I'll remove it.

 

[owensge]

Haha, I know what you mean... I thought about it, but posted anyway. It's pretty difficult to remain completely neutral when it comes to jokes -- even the one comparing office-life to prison can be construed as an attack on people in those groups, so that's out; the same argument can be applied to the others. But I'll exercise my best judgment, and if someone doesn't like it, I'll remove it.

Nice Stevie joke! I don't think the office/prison comparison is too offensive....

 

[Tigerotor77W]

Nice Stevie joke! I don't think the office/prison comparison is too offensive....

The king had a beautiful daughter,


the PRINCESS.



But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;

metal,

wood,

stone,

anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,

"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,

she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.








The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.




The first brought a sword of the finest steel.





But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.



The prince went away sadly.









The second prince brought diamonds.





He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas,
once the princess touched them, they melted.


He too was sent away disappointed.





[


The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.





She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.





And it did not melt!!!


The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.







Question: What was in the prince's pants?



(Scroll down for the answer)




V


V





M&M's of course.


They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

 

[Tigerotor77W]

The king had a beautiful daughter,


the PRINCESS.



But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;

metal,

wood,

stone,

anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,

"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,

she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.








The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.




The first brought a sword of the finest steel.





But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.



The prince went away sadly.









The second prince brought diamonds.





He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas,
once the princess touched them, they melted.


He too was sent away disappointed.





[


The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.





She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.





And it did not melt!!!


The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.







Question: What was in the prince's pants?



(Scroll down for the answer)




V


V





M&M's of course.


They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

Once upon a time there were 2 life long best friends named Joe and Mo. They shared an absolute love of baseball, went to every game for 100 miles around for years and years. Unfortunately, upon reaching a ripe old age, Mo came down with a terminal disease.

"Mo, you gotta do me a favor when you reach the other side. I just have to know if there is baseball in Heaven. Please do what you can to communicate an answer to me," Joe said to Mo on Mo's deathbead.

"I'll do what I can my friend," Mo said. He then closed his eyes and promptly died. (great joke so far, huh!?!)

The night the funeral, Joe was awakened by a familiar voice. "Joe, hey Joe! It's me, Mo from Heaven!"

Joe says, "Mo! So glad you can communicate with me! Tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news is yes, there is baseball in Heaven."

"GREAT MO!," Joe says, "what can the bad news be?"

Mo's voice wafts down to Joe, "You are scheduled to pitch next Tuesday!"

***

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, AZ. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chilli.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner drawls, "No son, you go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches out and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chilli into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly drawls, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too..."

 

[Tazza]

Once upon a time there were 2 life long best friends named Joe and Mo. They shared an absolute love of baseball, went to every game for 100 miles around for years and years. Unfortunately, upon reaching a ripe old age, Mo came down with a terminal disease.

"Mo, you gotta do me a favor when you reach the other side. I just have to know if there is baseball in Heaven. Please do what you can to communicate an answer to me," Joe said to Mo on Mo's deathbead.

"I'll do what I can my friend," Mo said. He then closed his eyes and promptly died. (great joke so far, huh!?!)

The night the funeral, Joe was awakened by a familiar voice. "Joe, hey Joe! It's me, Mo from Heaven!"

Joe says, "Mo! So glad you can communicate with me! Tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news is yes, there is baseball in Heaven."

"GREAT MO!," Joe says, "what can the bad news be?"

Mo's voice wafts down to Joe, "You are scheduled to pitch next Tuesday!"

***

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, AZ. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chilli.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner drawls, "No son, you go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches out and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chilli into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly drawls, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too..."

Oh dear god thats gross!!!!
I love it

 

[Tigerotor77W]

Oh dear god thats gross!!!!
I love it

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want), passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing when a flight attendant announced: People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

2. On a Continental Flight with a very senior flight attendant crew, the pilot said, Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.

3. On landing, the stewardess said, Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.

5. Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: Whoa, big fella, WHOA!

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

9. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.

10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.

11. Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.

12. As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said: That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.

15. Overheard on an American flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, Sir do you mind if I ask you a question?

Why no Ma'am, said the pilot. What is it?

The little old lady said, Did we land, or were we shot down?

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with: Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate and, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a very smooth flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said: Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, while I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.You should see the front of my pants!
A passenger in Coach yelled:

 

[Tigerotor77W]

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want), passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing when a flight attendant announced: People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

2. On a Continental Flight with a very senior flight attendant crew, the pilot said, Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.

3. On landing, the stewardess said, Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.

5. Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: Whoa, big fella, WHOA!

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

9. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.

10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.

11. Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.

12. As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said: That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.

15. Overheard on an American flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, Sir do you mind if I ask you a question?

Why no Ma'am, said the pilot. What is it?

The little old lady said, Did we land, or were we shot down?

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with: Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate and, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a very smooth flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said: Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, while I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.You should see the front of my pants!
A passenger in Coach yelled:

Shoot, my copy and paste job cut off the last line:
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a very smooth flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said: Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, while I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.You should see the front of my pants!
A passenger in Coach yelled:
You should see the back of my pants!

(taken from another forum, http://forum.keypublishing.co.uk/showthread.php?t=54255)

 

[Mr Jimi]

Shoot, my copy and paste job cut off the last line:
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a very smooth flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said: Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, while I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.You should see the front of my pants!
A passenger in Coach yelled:
You should see the back of my pants!

(taken from another forum, http://forum.keypublishing.co.uk/showthread.php?t=54255)

I hope this gets a new posting? Here is something all of ya will get a good laugh from, click below. The name of it is ?? Boobs, butt or shoulder? Have fun
http://www.zipperfish.com/free/quiz/boobs-butt-shoulder-pop.html
Jim