I'm stealing this off another forum (computer-related), but anyhow, it's not really sexual, political, or religious... The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather slick-looking, well-dressed, middle-aged gentleman. "May I help you?" the madam asked. "I want to see Natalie," the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else. . ." "No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charges $1,000.00 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, then calmly the man left. The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that is was very rare for anyone to come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts. It was still $1,000.00 per visit. Again the man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and an hour later, he left. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia." "Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family living there." "Yes, I know," said the man. "Your father died and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000.00 inheritance."
IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who miss.
IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.
IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says,
"How's the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've finally got that right".
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play golf?"
Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years".
Woods says, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?" asks Woods. "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just lay the ball towards his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole".
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night."
1 - Liberal Arts majors are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
2 - Every teenager should get a high school education, even if they already know everything.
3 - I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
5 - The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
6 - Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.
7 - You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
8 - According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
9 - Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
10 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
11 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
12 - I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.
13 - In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
14 - Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
15 - There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
16 - How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
17 - Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, I wish you'd come to me sooner.
18 - I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
19 - You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
Have a great week!