Funny tool daffy nitions!

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Well-known member
Sep 19, 2006

Ok time for a good laugh!
How many of you have been there, done that?

Tool Definitions

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
Bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
Your beer cross the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained
Heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
Workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
Guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
Until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
Touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
Principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, <script><script>
And the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
Future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
Heads.If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
Intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
Objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
Wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
Projectiles for testing wall integrity.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
Drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible
Future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
Scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
Everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably
Has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and
For opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
Shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
Screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
Convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
Plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by
Hose to a ChicagoPneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were <script><script>
Last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds
Off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
You needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
As a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
Object we are trying to hit. Useful in making gaping holes in walls when
Hanging pictures.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
Yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next
Tool that you will need.



Staff member
Dec 7, 2004
I can personally vouch for each and every tool on that list, its all so true.....
I just read each one and go, yep done that, yep done that one too.
An oldie, but still funny.


Well-known member
Aug 16, 2006
I can personally vouch for each and every tool on that list, its all so true.....
I just read each one and go, yep done that, yep done that one too.
An oldie, but still funny.
I also have the same set of tools and ths scars to prove it.

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